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Restoration

[ Post Reply ]

From: Fire Child

Date: 18 Jan 2011

Comments

I have been in preparation for prophetic ministry, maybe office I don't know, all of my life but recognized that call about 14 years ago and started moving toward it. But, I was impatient to start a family and married out of God's timing even though people who cared about me warned me not to. I had only known the man for 6 weeks when we got married. The marraige was incredibly painful as I discovered he had an addiction to pornography and bitterness toward any kind of authority. He eventually stopped going to church. Determined to be obedient to God, I fought through 11 years of marraige.

Then, I went through a very hard period where I experienced a painful divorce, multiple health problems, financial collapse, losing custody of my two children, and many other things including a wounding that occured from rejection and abuse from a person in leadership at my church who was not ready to be in leadership. I left church and spent the next 9 years in an excrutiating "dark night" where God dealt with my heart and brought me to the end of myself. That ended last May when I surrendered fully to God and His call on my life and He has been healing and restoring me since then...I'm even back at the same church which was very hard at first but God has seemed to make up 9 years of growth and healing in the past 9 months and it's been an amazing...but very intense time...with many hours everyday in prayer, in the Word, fasting, etc.

God provides just enough for my needs and hasn't permitted me to work but has given me some ministry responsibilities, incredible opportunities for training in ministry, some fellowship mostly with mentors, some weekends with my kids, and the rest of the time is just with Him as He's been healing and revealing. I have two huge binders full of journal entries...writing helps me process.

And I've been joyfully content...but lately, as more healing has come to my heart, I find myself wondering if I am supposed to live this almost mystic contemplative lifestyle for the rest of my life. During those 9 years I became overweight and never thought I'd be desirable again but now I have lost 40 pounds and even my countenance has changed so much that I look in the mirror and I'm thinking "Wow, not bad!" not out of vanity but God has actually got me liking myself for the first time in my 44 years of living. Last spring I was opposed to the idea of marrying again but now...I don't know...I've never truly experienced a Godly marraige and think maybe I would like to.

But I wonder how any man could ever tolerate my devotion to the Lord...or if I would have to compromise or temper it to accomodate a man like before. There was incredible tension in my marraige because my heart ached to live in purity but my husband's did not...and I want to guard against that but I also want to be open to the Lord if He wants to heal this part of my life too. I can only imagine that making love to my husband without defilement would be amazing, lol.

Should I even be entertaining these thoughts at this point? Also, there's someone who has been coming up in prayer for months. He's older than me, single (divorced about 10 years ago), in leadership and I have known him for about 14 years. I never thought of him as someone I'd be interested in but I have seen his face often in prayer. So, I've begun to notice him more and more even in spite of my desire to remain single. I'll catch myself watching the way he worships and listening to his prayers to hear his heart...I think he has prophetic giftings as well and a heart for discipleship. He's a gangly sort of guy but his heart is growing on me. So, I don't know.

Thanks...this is a great anoymous place to pour out my heart in this.